Relationships: The Inner Conversation

Posted by Drs. Ron & Mary Hulnick on February 20, 2016 at 11:05 PM


Intimate relationships are one of the most exquisite opportunities for you to deepen—yes—ripen in your capacity—your readiness and willingness to reside in the Loving that you are and to show up in the Awareness of your already Open Heart as the Presence of Love.

This sounds soooo beautiful … compelling … and inspiring as we all yearn to drink from the wellspring of Love and reside in the warmth radiating from the glowing embers of that hearth, experiencing the bliss of Oneness.

What is it that gets in the way? What blocks you from more consistently experiencing the deep intimacy and connection you know in your heart of hearts is possible? It’s not for lack of longing, as the romantic ideal is alive and well as a cultural icon, albeit illusionary, of the happily-ever-after glorified picture of perfect love.

Yet, here we are in physical world reality hungry for Love—searching for “the One.” What’s up with that? Let’s see if we can shed some Light on this state of affairs, and also provide some information that can assist you in finding and experiencing the Love that you seek.

As we experience ourselves in human form, we are aware that there seem to be two distinct voices speaking within—the ego and the Soul—a rather knotty juxtaposition, as the intention and purpose of each is quite different. The most prominent voice is that of your ego, which is composed of your mind and emotions. Its job is to support you in effectively navigating within five-sense perceived physical world reality. Thus, its story is externally referenced—meaning its agenda is for your needs and wants to be met “out there.” It’s primarily concerned with, and attached to, the illusions of comfort, security, and especially, control. It operates based upon its sense of familiarity.

The Ego’s Story About Relationship
You can tell when you are listening to the ego’s story about relationship as it goes pretty much like this: “Now, listen carefully. The way for you to get the Love for which you yearn is to find ‘the One’ who will fulfill you and make you happy. The reason you haven’t found ‘the One’ is because you’re not measuring up to the way you ‘should be.’ Let’s just say that you’re not pretty/handsome enough, smart enough, thin enough, successful enough, sexy enough, et cetera … Of course, you feel shame and unworthiness as well you should,” the ego insists. “Maybe that will motivate you to ‘fix yourself.’”

What follows is an endless cycle of half-hearted attempts at self-improvement—futile though they are. Meanwhile you languish inside feeling less than Loving, lovable, or lovely.

Consider the ego’s approach a combination of the “fix-it” (described above) and the “prospector” models of relationship: “If I can just pan for enough gold (go through enough men or women), maybe I’ll be lucky enough to find a gold nugget—or better yet, I’ll find the vein of gold. Then I’ll win the Soul-mate lottery and strike it rich for life!”

The Soul, on the other hand, knows you are a Divine Being having a human experience, and that your purpose in this human embodiment is to wake up into the Awareness of the Love that you are and to share your gifts. And further, for you to know experientially that your Essential Nature is Loving. In Soul Awareness, you come to know you are not meant to reside in loneliness and separation, feeling unloved and unlovable searching for “the One.” Rather, you WAKE UP, knowing you ARE the One … you ARE the LOVE … you ARE the JOY … you ARE …

The Ego and the Soul Have a Chat
“Yeah, yeah … Blah blah,” says the ego interrupting, doggedly persisting in the outside-in approach. “You don’t understand. I want someone to love me.”

“Ah, Beloved One, as our friend Jalaladin Rumi said, ‘Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself you’ve built against it.’ And to that we add: ‘to dissolve them.’”

“What?” says the ego in astonishment, “Take responsibility for what’s going on inside me? Acknowledge what feels at times like an overwhelming quagmire of confusing thoughts and difficult emotions—and deal with them? That’s a process that leads to Loving relationship? Are you sure? That’s not what I was hoping to hear ...”

“Yes, Beloved,” says the Soul. “The way out is in. Let go of your old story of ‘All the good men/women are already taken, I’m not enough, I can’t have what I want, etc., etc., etc.’ Realize you’re standing in your own ten acres of diamonds. Bloom where you’re planted. The radiance and radiation of the Love that you are, in fact, is the most powerful attractor field that exists on this planet insofar as magnetizing and nurturing the experience of Loving relationship—true Heart-to-Heart, Soul-to-Soul partnership.”

Applying Spiritual Psychology Principles to Relationship
Spiritual Psychology Principle #20 speaks to this: “Outer experience is a reflection of inner reality.” What does this mean insofar as your relationships? It means your relationships are mirrors reflecting to you both what’s beautiful, gifted, wise, creative, resourceful, brilliant, etcetera, about you as well as your unresolved issues such as rejection, self-loathing, disrespect, judgment, hurt, and so on. It also means that the story you tell yourself about yourself, past relationships, your current relationship, or your prospects for attracting Loving partnership are creating your current relationship reality.

Conduct Your Very Own Relationship Experiment
With this in mind and Heart, we encourage you to conduct your very own personal relationship experiment. Begin sacrificing your judgments and upsets about anything and everything, especially anything having to do with your relationships or lack thereof. Let go of the ego’s old story; let go of negative self-talk and self-judgment; let go of self-improvement as a methodology. Do this for the next thirty days and watch what happens!

As our friend Robert Holden says: “No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.” Recognize relationship as an opportunity for fulfilling your greatest need—your need to grow in the Awareness of yourself most quintessentially as a Caring and Loving person.

Spiritual Psychology Principle #25 states: “How you relate to an issue is the issue. Or how you relate with yourself while you go through an issue is the issue.” It’s life-changing to realize that you and only you have the power within you to choose your attitude and approach in your relationship with yourself. That power is the Power of Love. Compassionately redirect your thoughts and inner conversation so that it’s more supportive, encouraging, and acknowledging of the Loving and Lovability of who you are. Start treating yourself in more Self-honoring ways—the ways you’d like to be treated by others, or yearn to be treated by your Beloved in your dream relationship. Bring forward the Strength of your Heart and remember, your Essential Nature is Love—you are Loving, you are Lovable!! Look in your own eyes in the mirror and affirm, “I AM the Presence of Love.” Make it your intention to live into the truth of that statement as a Way of Being.

K-EGO or K-LOVE? It’s Your Choice
How do you create the quality of relationship you want? A significant part of the process is becoming more aware of your internal dialogue—the one happening in your mind—and when you notice judgment or negative self-talk, change the channel to K-LOVE. As USM’s Founder, John-Roger, said, “It’s foolish not to win in your own fantasies!”


  1. Your Essential Nature is inherently Loving; therefore, you already are the Presence of Love.
  2. Your beliefs and the internal dialogues in your mind that flow from them are primary ways you create the story of your life, and your story about relationship—or lack thereof. Change your self-talk, change your beliefs, and you change your story—and your life changes accordingly.
  3. Your relationships with others, especially those that matter most to you, will reflect to you how you treat yourself both outwardly and on the more subtle inner levels. Use the reflection as an opportunity for discovering your own Lovability, to deepen in your Self-Compassion and Self-Acceptance—and to release what no longer serves you.
  4. Life is not a course in self-improvement. It’s not meant to be about fixing, changing, manipulating, or controlling yourself or others. It’s a classroom with a lifetime of opportunities for Awakening and showing up in the LOVE that you are.

For more about Relationships within the context of Spiritual Psychology, watch a replay of USM's most recent Experiential Evening, Soul-Centered Relationships—What Are They and How Do You Have One?


Topics: Spiritual Psychology, Spiritual Awakening, Relationships, Receiving